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Holes

October 28, 2009 – 9:57 pm

I have many holes within my design and I am a control freak.

Unknowingly this defect within my character has caused such havoc throughout the course of my life. I know that ultimately it stems from my own inability to accept myself fully and completely, hence I look outside myself to find the validation I think I may need.

If I can get others to do what I want by acting in certain ways….somewhere deep inside of me everything feels okay.

It’s a lie and an illusion, one of many I had allowed to lull me into a false sense of security, sort of the same way a needle full of heroin used to make me feel after I had shot it up. Whole and complete with no gaping holes inside that needed to be filled with anything but more.

I know full well that I am totally powerless over everything and anything outside of myself, but years of active addiction and extremely warped thinking coupled with so many negative behaviors have allowed me to maneuver a few reactions out of people.  And those few reactions, although outweighed by the failure to control seem to be the smoky wisps of  footprints that stand in the darkness of my subconscious constantly kicking up the beliefs and ideas that never really worked.

I know they don’t work but yet they always come back in some way, shape or form…

Always surfacing.
Always manifesting.
Always wreaking havoc.

Awareness is an amazing concept…because it allows me to see that certain behaviors that I have come to depend on for much of my life….do not make sense…At all.

Yet, I still fall prey to them.

It occured to me today that for all the time and energy I expend trying to get others to act a certain way, or to do what I want them to do in order for me to feel better, it’s all utterly pointless. Yet on the flip side of the token controling my own actions, at times is just as futile.

Yet, I know this is the only aspect of control that truly exists.

I can control my actions.
I can control my reactions.

I realize and admit that I exert more of my power in trying to get others to act a certain way or to do something then I even give to myself. Almost like I don’t even bother trying to push myself…

Almost as if I don’t count.

Geez, four years clean and still there is so much more work to do.

So many holes to fill.
So many more knots to untie.
So many more ideas to re-evaluate.

The kicker is though that on a conscious level I actually believe that I like and love myself….but my actions at times begs me to take another look into how I truly feel about myself. One thing I have learned and that stands true today is something I heard a few years back…

“Your actions speak so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.

Time to realign my actions so they match my words, because what they say isn’t much of anything.

mighty | Beliefs, Recovery, living | Comments (6)

Foggy Glasses

September 28, 2009 – 8:30 am

Ranting and raving, full of negativity and reacting  like a lunatic to each and every situation that didn’t go my way is a good description of who I have allowed myself to become in the past several months.

I’ve been stuck.
I’ve been a bit more than lost.
I’ve been blaming others for my dis-content.
I stopped taking personal responsibility for my own life.

It’s a re-occurring pattern, that at times I get a bit too comfortable, thinking that I have no more work to do on myself. That there could possible be nothing more to be revealed and I then seem to find myself in a predicament where I stop participating in my own life. Ultimately I become miserable and blame the world at large for the way that I feel.

I have the experience of hindsight to know that this exact state of being is one that has enough emotional pain, which will eventually force me to re-examine ideas and beliefs  that do not serve me in being the best person I have the capacity to be. It is a state of being that always allows me to seek a deeper level of self acceptance and work on past issues that still today surface and manifest in any given situation.

The past several months have almost felt as it I’ve been wearing a pair of foggy glasses, everything  before me has just been so unclear.

The details have been blurry.
The bigger picture  unseen.
The information before completely wrong.

I’ve acted poorly, reacted badly and blamed everyone else for not seeing what I saw. Totally self-centered and self righteous, my field of vision narrowed to the point in which I was unsure of what was up or what was down and became completely closed minded to any type of solution. I have found that in all that I go through and everything that I experience, all of it offers me a unique opportunity to work on the aspects of myself that are still in a state of dis-contentment. The circumstances and situations may not be the ones I would ever choose to go through willingly, but are the very essentials of experience that force me to reach deep inside of myself and ask…

“Is this who I want to be…or could I be better.”

More often than not, the answer always brings me back to a point of perspective that allows me to realize what I need to do to be a better person…..and I want to be better. My life has been a process of moving forward a few inches in my self-growth to then taking huge leaps backwards to address aspects of myself that at the time I just did not have the capacity to deal with. It becomes about the little choices and decision I make on a daily, if not moment to moment basis of whether I choose to improve myself or settle into the limitations of self that I and only I have imposed.

And just for today…
And just for this moment…
I choose to be better…
I choose to improve…
I choose to move forward…
Because I can.

mighty | Beliefs, Recovery, Self-Discovery, Uncategorized, living | Comments (0)

Losing Myself

September 24, 2009 – 7:34 am

I know that no one person, place or thing in this entire universe has the power to make me feel any particular way, unless I allow it.

I’ve been allowing it.

It angers me at times that I lose myself in certain, situations and circumstances.
It angers me that I allow myself to fall into a false sense of security presented by others.
It angers me that sometimes I’m just unrealistic in my expectations.

It angers me till it hurts so bad that I find myself faced with a choice….

Change or stay stuck.

I really thought that I had arrived into the dream life I always wanted.

I found love, even though I wasn’t looking for it.
I moved into my new home.
I got pregnant.
I had my beautiful daughter.

But something wasn’t right, hasn’t been in a long, long time.

I can list a million and one things that aren’t right in my life at the present point in time, but I know none of the outer circumstance really matter. What does matter is how I am reacting to it all…and I can say that I have not been reacting well at all.

Because I’m miserable.
I’m pissed off.

I’m mad that the path in life that I have been on continues further in to the future and that the illusion that I have been clinging to that all is well, has and is nothing more than that, an illusion.

There is more work to be done and honestly it looks like it’s work that’s going to be quite a challenge.  The relationship I’m in is no longer working, I think it hasn’t been working for a long, long time. But found myself unwilling to accept that maybe it’s not the healthiest situation for me.

I allowed myself to lose myself not only in the relationship, but in this new role as a Mother. Whatever specks of myself are still glowing within have let me know as of late…this is not working.

And it sucks.

I wanted more for my Daughter, I wanted her to have a stable home life, I wanted her Father and I to work things out, to be a family, to be strong, to be an example of integrity.

But that is not going to be the way things are to unfold….unless things change.

I’m at a loss because I don’t know what to do. The relationship is broke, I have no idea what to do, it scares the hell out of me, I’m fearful….

But I know I will be okay…because whenever life shows up in this way, I always find myself.

Bigger.
Better.
Stronger.

And so the journey continues….

mighty | Family, Uncategorized | Comments (2)

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