I have many holes within my design and I am a control freak
.
Unknowingly this defect within my character has caused such havoc throughout the course of my life. I know that ultimately it stems from my own inability to accept myself fully and completely, hence I look outside myself to find the validation I think I may need.
If I can get others to do what I want by acting in certain ways….somewhere deep inside of me everything feels okay.
It’s a lie and an illusion, one of many I had allowed to lull me into a false sense of security, sort of the same way a needle full of heroin used to make me feel after I had shot it up. Whole and complete with no gaping holes inside that needed to be filled with anything but more.
I know full well that I am totally powerless over everything and anything outside of myself, but years of active addiction and extremely warped thinking coupled with so many negative behaviors have allowed me to maneuver a few reactions out of people. And those few reactions, although outweighed by the failure to control seem to be the smoky wisps of footprints that stand in the darkness of my subconscious constantly kicking up the beliefs and ideas that never really worked.
I know they don’t work but yet they always come back in some way, shape or form…
Always surfacing.
Always manifesting.
Always wreaking havoc.
Awareness is an amazing concept…because it allows me to see that certain behaviors that I have come to depend on for much of my life….do not make sense…At all.
Yet, I still fall prey to them.
It occured to me today that for all the time and energy I expend trying to get others to act a certain way, or to do what I want them to do in order for me to feel better, it’s all utterly pointless. Yet on the flip side of the token controling my own actions, at times is just as futile.
Yet, I know this is the only aspect of control that truly exists.
I can control my actions.
I can control my reactions.
I realize and admit that I exert more of my power in trying to get others to act a certain way or to do something then I even give to myself. Almost like I don’t even bother trying to push myself…
Almost as if I don’t count.
Geez, four years clean and still there is so much more work to do.
So many holes to fill.
So many more knots to untie.
So many more ideas to re-evaluate.
The kicker is though that on a conscious level I actually believe that I like and love myself….but my actions at times begs me to take another look into how I truly feel about myself. One thing I have learned and that stands true today is something I heard a few years back…
“Your actions speak so loud I can’t hear what you are saying.
Time to realign my actions so they match my words, because what they say isn’t much of anything.
t didn’t go my way is a good description of who I have allowed myself to become in the past several months.
unless I allow it.
