The Process of a Miracle.

“The journey of a thousand miles
starts with a single step.”
Lao Tzu

It’ 3.5 miles to work
It’s 3.5 miles back home.That’s seven miles per day.
Multiply that by 6 days and so far this week I have walked approximately 42 miles.

But before I could walk even one mile…
I had to take the first step.

When I was still lost in the darkened depths my drug addiction I would take whatever means necessary in order to get the next fix…..whatever I had to do I did. I always came up with a new idea, scheme or scam to ensure that my daily need for heroin was always provided for.

Throughout this point of my life, I never stopped to look at the things I did. Never took a moment to consider the consequences of my actions, never saw the time and energy I expended on a moment to moment basis in the pursuit of my own death.

All I could see, feel, hear, breathe, eat, sleep, puke, piss was what I wanted….heroin.Several years back I had a small break in this flow of thoughts…not one that stopped me, but one that I came back to time and time again and more and more as I moved closer to the date when I would finally stop using once and for all.

It was a winter that had been plagued by many snowstorms and one huge blizzard. The break in my flow of thoughts came unexpectedly during this one major blizzard. It was a complete whiteout; if I held my hand into the air in front of me, it seemed as if it was swallowed in the blur of white flakes that swirled and howled all around.

Most roads had been closed and those that hadn’t could only be traveld by cars or trucks with chains on their tires. Drifts of snow lay like sand dunes, the wind reshaping and reforming them as it snowed the whole day in to the dark of the night.

I was dope sick.
I wanted a fix.
I NEEDED a fix.

This was one of those times when the family had once again found out about my drug use and had taken my car keys away so I wouldn’t drive. Desperate to use I made a decision to walk the 4 miles to my dealers house. The pulsating need to use filtered out the reality of the snowstorm outside or the distance of the walk.

It was a brutal walk.

I trudged along through the bitting cold and big snow banks that scattered themselves along the road. I was determined to get what I wanted. It didn’t matter that I was freezing to death, that the storm was getting worse. I had a pocket full of quarters that didn’t even amount to the price of a bag of heroin and I knew that with only one bag it would only be a matter of hours till I would be sick again.

The only think I knew, felt or cared about was the shot that would get me straight.

I was frozen, tired and sick when I got close enough to their house to call and let them know I would be stopping by.

But nobody was home.

I was stuck….
I didn’t know what to do.

Should I wait in the cold and see if they would be home soon?
Should I just turn around and head back home?

I knew that if I waited out in the cold for any length of time, I would freeze to death. There was no shelter, no place of warmth, just the snow, cold and me alone in the middle of a haze of white.

For the first time in a very long time it seemed that I was out of options and I made the decision to walk back home. I was perplexed that I had made the trudge through the snow and now that I would have to turn back home I kept thinking to myself…….

“If I could only channel this persistence and determination in a positive direction….I could do anything“

At that moment when I turned around, these were the first thoughts that sparked within me . Not realizing at the time as I began this journey home that something inside of me had turned around as well. I didn’t understand the importance of this moment and it took many years for the realization of what had actuality occurred at that particular point in time, when this inner knowledge bubbled up to the surface of my consciousness…..

It was my first step onto the path that would lead me to the point in time where I would make the decision to get clean.

It was my single step in my journey of a thousand miles………

I’ve walked approximately 42 mile this week and I can’t help but think and wonder how many steps that equals into the journey to where I am now heading.