The Process of a Miracle. A 30 day Experiment. A 30 Day Challenge to change MY life!!!

Sometime you have to lose yourself…..

It took some time for me to realize that the woman I am today is a direct result of all that I have experienced in this lifetime.

This awareness has come about as I reflect upon the more unpleasant aspects of the experiences I have been through, that brought about the desire to want to be more.

I spent much of this life stuck in circumstances and situations that bit by bit, piece by piece chipped away at the person I wasn’t in order to free me from myself.

I had to lose myself completely…in order to finally find myself.

It didn’t come about in a flash of an awareness, more in the slow process of understanding that comes about through healing…

Through healing of the inner spirit.

Who I am is who I have always been, but it was me and me only that wasn’t willing to participate in that particular role. I allowed others to dictate my worth, steer my course in life and determine my value.

I didn’t know any other way….I didn’t know I had a choice.

I allowed myself to become what others wanted me to be, because I was too afraid to be who I was. Somewhere along this path in life, my inner spirit which was such a powerful aspect of who I was as a little girl, became silenced by the voices, opinions and ideas of others.

I became lost….very lost and I forget how to speak up for myself.

I forgot that I was important.
I forgot I was worthy.
I forgot I did deserve better.
I forgot I was more then the life I lived.

I forgot who I was.

Through this process, this life, this existence I feel fortunate to have the capacity of understanding to reflect upon the events of my life that brought me to the here and now. I feel grateful for every moment of pain that these situations produced, because it pushed, pulled and tugged me in every direction possible in order to find relief from the pain.

The wounds of my life allowed me to seek out a solution to ease the inner discomfort. My solution came about through the process of finally becoming willing to discover who it was that I really I am, who I have always been and who I am no longer willing to settle being.

I am in no way totally free of the burden of shame and guilt that exists within the memories of my past, but I am no longer driven by the pain of my past in which I continue to re-created the pain in the present.

But it still comes up…..

I think that is when I discover how much I have changed from the lost little girl I was for so long into the strong, woman I am today. My past is always there waiting and watching for the opportunity to spring out of my mind and attempt to me act out the role I once played….but I won’t.

I have a choice today.

When the fear slams into my stomach.
When the insecurities flare hot.
When the anger threatens to consume me.
When the hurt just hurts.

It’s okay.

I can cry if I want.
I can say it hurts.
I can say I am afraid.
I’m allowed to feel it all.
I’m supposed to.

It’s what make me…. me.

It’s the subtle reminder I will always have with me that reminds me of who I wish to never be again. A simple, yet powerful message from the universe at large that allows me to know that the journey of my life is one that has a greater rhyme and reason that I can conceive at any given moment in time.

But with each step forward…I begin to see the bigger picture that encompasses everything and I know that no matter what I will be okay.

As long as I chose to be me.

If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds

Post meta

This entry was written by mighty and posted on January 13, 2008 at 9:45 pm and filed under Self-Discovery. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

Share with others

Post Sometime you have to lose yourself….. to digg.

Post Sometime you have to lose yourself….. to Reddit

4 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

I’m blogging around for an hour trying to find a great post to include in my weekly batch…YAY!!!! I found one:)

I feel the same way about being me. I used to live on “autopilot” but I sit the the captains chair with MY hands on the wheel. I’m the only person I control…no one else.

Through this process of self discovery, I respect the opinions of others much more…losing the desire to have others see things the way I do. I share my views but can only ask to be heard and I return the same. Great post Morgan!

2. Bobby Revell on January 15th, 2008 at 10:07 am
You’ve said it all Morgan. It looks like you’re understanding the reason of ‘why’ things happened, though painful as it was. And now seeing with new eyes the purpose of you. It’s a beautiful thing to finally see that, to see it, accept it, and embrace it.

Hi Rolando…
Yes with my new eyes as you say …..I see the purpose before me…..through all the pain, misery and discomfort…….I have found a new level of awareness that is now more of a process of healing that leads me to find the peace of mind that I have always looked to find.

3. Rolando on January 14th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Hi Morgan…
I read this post yesterday and thought of a friend of mine… thought I’d come back and tell you about it.

My friend has a problem with addiction much like you used to have. I talk to friends and relatives of his all the time. They keep wondering what they can do to help… I tell them he has to make the decision to stop and to realize he has a choice. He’s at the point right now any discussion or comment at all about his addiction causes a sort of defensive isolation. I believe that making a decision to change who you are is the hard part. Or better yet… making the decision to change back into your true self.

Another quick story… I had a friend once that was so addicted to alcohol that she literally didn’t know what to do with herself when she wasn’t drinking. She completely lost who she was. I couldn’t help her because she chose to remain an addict. People might say… you don’t choose to be an addict. I would say that is true in the beginning but at some point you either choose to be your true self or remain an addict. Without a doubt in some cases the person isn’t strong enough to realize they have that choice.

I’m rambling and don’t really know the the point I am trying to make except I agree… you have to choose to be you and you have to want it.

Denny…….
Thank you so much for sharing…..I agree with you wholly that the decision to do something about the problem is something that only the person with the problem can make. No one can help someone that isn’t willing to help themselves.
As for being an addict……I’m a firm believer in the disease of addiction…in which drugs and alcohol or any mind or mood altering is merely a symptom of the underlying dis-ease of self….many people discover that long after the substance is put down, they still have to deal with the aspects of the inner turmoil and discomfort that drove them to seek relief through the use of something outside themselves.
As for your friend…I will keep them in my prayers….there is always hope.

Much love as always my angel boy!!!!!!!

Mighty

4. denny on January 14th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Isn’t it wonderful when you come to an understanding of the why we feel a certain way? It is something that cannot be taught, and needs to be learned. Many never learn unfortunately.
Such a strong ideal is having forgiveness. Not just to others, but most importantly yourself.
I like the way you have the self image of being a strong woman. That is so GIANT in a person’s self worth. No, not just to say it, but to believe it. I believe in you too Morgan. I always have. Destiny is not written in stone, but in clay. You can mold it … shape it. You set forth an example of “Be true to yourself”. So refreshing.
Tear em` up this week my friend. Thank you as always for your positive and thought provoking words

Eric “SpeedyCat”

Thanks Speedy as always for your enlightening words….I like the analogy you used with the clay…gives life a more flexible point of view in which we can continue to mold and shape ourselves as life unfolds before us!
Be well!

5. Eric "Speedcat Hollydale" on January 14th, 2008 at 4:36 am

One Trackback

By Bobby’s Batch #3 - Bright As The Sun | Revellian Dot Com on January 20, 2008 at 5:48 pm

[...] Sometimes You Have to Lose Yourself - from Morgan is a great philosophically insightful post (as most all of her posts are!!!). Morgan [...]