The Process of a Miracle.

I have the ability to just get so lost within the framework of my own mind that I don’t realize how far from the path of my own life that I have strayed.

It’s not something I have do consciously, but more subconsciously. For so long I have allowed myself to be twisted and tumbled through this existence in a wave of behaviors that do not serve in bringing me closer to the person I choose to be.

These behaviors came about a long, long, long, long time ago.

They began as a way for me to protect myself.
A way for me to not allow anyone to harm me.
A way to keep myself safe from others.
A way or me to not be seen, not be heard…to not be noticed at all.

I learned to hide away from the world…and I lost my voice and I lost myself.

I found out something about myself the other day. Something that is so entwined into every aspect of my being and something that is not conducive to who I now choose to be.

I procrastinate and justify it through the distractions it offers me.

It’s not because I’m lazy.
It’s not because I’m not able.
It’s not because I can’t.
It’s not because I don’t feel like doing something.

It’s because down in to the depths of my being there is a part of me that is terrified of actually being able to step up to bat and take a true hard swing at life. Even now after all the hard work I have put into becoming more then who I have been, there still exists within me the little girl that is terrified of who she is.

A part of me that still believes that I am unworthy.
A part of me that still believes that I am not deserving.
A part of me that still wants to stand on the sidelines of my own life.
A part of me still scared to be noticed.
A part of me that wants to be lulled to sleep in the safety of harnessing a dream without ever taking the full action to realize it.

A part of me that doesn’t believe in the power of myself…or the power of my voice.

I do a lot of self reflection on a daily basis, sometimes even a moment to moment basis. The number one reason for this, is because I want to be more then I have allowed myself to be throughout the course of my life.

As of late I have been doing a lot of work chipping away at the layers of lies, that for so long offered me a sense of comfort throughout the constant confusion that I felt at every moment of every day.

As I chip, chip, chip away….

I find that I have been holding onto quite a bit of mis-information about myself and this has served only in keeping me stuck.

Stuck in familiar patterns of pain
Stuck in cycles of behavior.
Stuck in ideas that have long ago shown their illogical truths.
Stuck in limited beliefs that no longer work.
I do not wish to stand still…so I choose to keep moving forward.

There are moments when I find myself unsure, uncertain, flailing in the awkwardness of actually participating in living of my own life. But I know…my life is my responsibility.

I am the only one that can live my dreams.

I have come so far from that first day when I set out upon this journey to find myself…

To remember myself.
To embrace myself fully and completely.

I know that I have to take into account that sometime in order to keep moving forward, I must take several steps backwards to lead me back onto the path that I have ventured from in my confusion.

I made a promise to myself when I started this experiment. “That no matter what.”
I would continue to do whatever was necessary in order to discover the truth of “Anything is possible.” and I know that anything is….

And I also now realize that failure too, is also a possibility.

That’s where the fear exists.
That’s where the procrastination springs from.
That’s where I lie to myself and tell myself it is safe.

There is a part of me that would like to have me stop at this point. To not continue any further with this dream I hold of publishing a book, of helping others, or inspiring others to live their own dreams.

A part of me that is still driven by the lower forces of consciousness that have dictated my dis-ease of self for so long. A part of me that would love for me to think that I should not do anything further. There is that voice within me that screams that if I do my part and fail….then what purpose is there to it all.

But I know better…..so here I am again.

Ten steps backwards…but one full step back onto the path of my life that has waited patiently for me to finally own up to the truth of who I am.