The Process of a Miracle.

Today is the three year mark of the day that I stopped using any type of mind or mood altering substance. At the time I had no idea of the importance that this particular day would have in relation to the way my life would begin to unfold from that point on.

When I first got clean…

I was homeless.
I was jobless.
I was hopelessly lost within myself.
I was desperate for another way.

I was painfully aware that all I though I knew about life and living amounted to the very sad and pathetic circumstances of my life at the time. But still, I was willing to go to any lengths to discover if there was anything more to this life then the very limited conditions I had already experienced.

I discovered that there was more then I could even conceive of at the time.

What I have come to understand through the course of my recovery process that through my addiction I lost the very essence of who I was.

I settled for a life not worth living.
I forgot I ever had dreams.
I lived only for the next one.
I laid down and went to sleep and never woke up.

And then one day it happened, the one day when I woke up and saw myself and my life for what it was and knew down to the depths of my being; I deserved more than I was giving myself.

I became willing to change.
I became willing to begin again.

More often than not the thought of having to begin again is a frightening one, even if the circumstances and situations that surround one are unpleasant. It is almost human nature to resist the inevitable change that must occur in order to change the dynamics of any given moment in order to discover something new.

I began again and build a new life, one that opened a path before me that led me step by step back through the past to find myself in the present moment. A path that has allowed me to begin again without the baggage of the past being dragged with me through each and every day.

I was a hopeless junkie living in desperation….and today that is not my story.

The conditions of my life at the time were minimal, I was living in a sober house, I was on welfare, I had no job, I had no responsibilities except to focus on myself and start redefining the way that I thought. I had no outside distractions, anything I once had was stripped from me and I was left with me and only me. It was then that I realized that through the course of my addiction I had been doing whatever possible to avoid  myself.

I could no longer do that.

I came to realize that I probably had many more years of living to do and I had better start learning how to deal with myself, because I would be stuck with me for the rest of my life.

It became time to begin to learn who I was, by examining who I was not.

This was the beginning of the woman I am today…

A woman of integrity.
A woman of courage.
A woman of strength.
A woman of compassion.

A messenger of hope to each and every other person lost on the paths of their own life.

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If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage