Was all the pain for a reason?
The mistakes simply bridges back onto the road of my life?
The bad decisions a way for the good decisions to emerge from the darkness?

I often couldn’t see past the minute details of whatever circumstance or situation was occurring. But I have, through time learned to look past the immediate and gaze into the wonder of the bigger picture being constructed behind the obvious everyday events.  In hindsight I can see that everything that has occurred, be it good bad or indifferent, all occurred exactly the way it should have in order for me to find myself in the present moment.

Now in 69 days or less a new journey will begin, one that has been forming itself throughout the course of my life, but has only now been able to come to pass, with the drastic and dynamic change that have taken place throughout the past two years.

I still sometimes wonder how I ended up where I am today.

How did I escape the sadness of life to discover the absolute miracles that are weaved in and out of each moment of the day? All I did was want something different in my life something better, something more fulfilling, something that felt right. The only thing I knew how to do at the moment was to….

Write.
Write.
Write.

And life, as crazy as it sounds seemed to organize itself in an orchestration of coincidences that led me onto the path leading me to the present point in time.

Could it have been that simple?
Was there something more occurring?

Now with Motherhood approaching I often think about my child, my daughter and the paths of her own life. The journey and the discoveries she will encounter along the way. As much as I know the pain and glory of my own journey, there is a greater part of me that prays  she will never have to experience the heartache that I have known.

But it will be her path, her journey and her life…I am only her guide through the process. Yet my hope is that I will have the capacity to lead her, until she is able to do so herself.

I believe much of it is due to the fact that everything in my life at the moment is very balanced and good. I tend to be able to reach the deepest when I am going through some sort of struggle and lately there has been no struggle what so ever.

In fact there has been nothing but good all around me.

I have decided that I will be taking some time off for the next few weeks, allowing myself to concentrate on some other areas of creativity that I have neglected through the course of my writing. But I do have some news that I would like to share before I sign off.

I’m going to be a Mommy.

See you all when I get back!!!!!!

______________________________The Process of Becoming________________________________

When I first got clean…

I was homeless.
I was jobless.
I was hopelessly lost within myself.
I was desperate for another way.

I was painfully aware that all I though I knew about life and living amounted to the very sad and pathetic circumstances of my life at the time. But still, I was willing to go to any lengths to discover if there was anything more to this life then the very limited conditions I had already experienced.

I discovered that there was more then I could even conceive of at the time.

What I have come to understand through the course of my recovery process that through my addiction I lost the very essence of who I was.

I settled for a life not worth living.
I forgot I ever had dreams.
I lived only for the next one.
I laid down and went to sleep and never woke up.

And then one day it happened, the one day when I woke up and saw myself and my life for what it was and knew down to the depths of my being; I deserved more than I was giving myself.

I became willing to change.
I became willing to begin again.

More often than not the thought of having to begin again is a frightening one, even if the circumstances and situations that surround one are unpleasant. It is almost human nature to resist the inevitable change that must occur in order to change the dynamics of any given moment in order to discover something new.

I began again and build a new life, one that opened a path before me that led me step by step back through the past to find myself in the present moment. A path that has allowed me to begin again without the baggage of the past being dragged with me through each and every day.

I was a hopeless junkie living in desperation….and today that is not my story.

The conditions of my life at the time were minimal, I was living in a sober house, I was on welfare, I had no job, I had no responsibilities except to focus on myself and start redefining the way that I thought. I had no outside distractions, anything I once had was stripped from me and I was left with me and only me. It was then that I realized that through the course of my addiction I had been doing whatever possible to avoid  myself.

I could no longer do that.

I came to realize that I probably had many more years of living to do and I had better start learning how to deal with myself, because I would be stuck with me for the rest of my life.

It became time to begin to learn who I was, by examining who I was not.

This was the beginning of the woman I am today…

A woman of integrity.
A woman of courage.
A woman of strength.
A woman of compassion.

A messenger of hope to each and every other person lost on the paths of their own life.

———————————

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

But I never give up…I had to go to ten different detox’s before I stopped shooting heroin.

Each failed attempt only led me closer to the success I would eventually find if I kept seeking it out. I am coming up to the three year mark of when I made the decision to stop using any and all mind or mood altering substances. It is a time of year that allows me to reflect upon my journey in recovery to see clearly how far I have really come in relation to changing who I have been.

I spent the past three years diving within myself in order to discover the many new possibilities that life offers and breaking through the many distorted perceptions that created the limitations I lived within for so long. It seems to me that the time has come to take all that I have learned and applied to my life thus far and start using it to delve deeper into some of the aspects of myself that still seem very resistant to changing.

One is my smoking habit….the other is my eating habits.

I decided to quit everything Monday….

Food.
Caffeine.
Cigarettes.

I have been fasting since Monday, beginning each day with a salt water flush to help rid my body of toxins that have been accumulating through the years. Who knew that by incorporating a fast in my attempts to stop smoking would be the missing key.

The desire to eat something far outweighs the insanity of wanting to smoke.

For the first time in any of my failed attempts to quit smoking I have found a way that is making the whole process dare I say “easy”. I know that it is only day three and there is a long ways to go, but I feel confident that getting past the three day hump is allowing me a better chance at success.

I do at moments find myself in the wrath of a nicotine fit…but still have enough inner control to just not pick up the first one.

Anything left within me that had any hope of a life free from the grips of active addiction were only faint sparks within me that nudged me and whispered gently that the I deserved more then the limited life of addiction I was living.

I was hopeless but willing to go to any lengths to change my life.

This upcoming September will be three years since I stopped using any type of mind or mood altering substance and made a decision to live a life based in recovery. When I made a choice to get and stay clean close to three years ago, part of it was the realization that I needed help in relation to learning how to live  my life without the use of drugs or alcohol. Drug/Alcohol Rehab is something that I utilized to my own advantage and is something I advocate in regards to getting the proper education and support tools during the early stages of the process of recovery from either an alcohol or drug addiction.

For me, I was fortunate enough to find myself within a facility that not only focused on the very obvious addiction, but was also equipped to deal with other co-occurring disorders that at times accompany an addiction of any kind and which plays an enormous role in how well one responds to treatment.

An addiction of any kind is a dis-ease that affects the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of the individual. If there are other co-occurring disorders that are also present it is vitally important to be able to address the specific needs of the disorder, whether they be mental or physical. It has been discovered that many people that suffer from an addiction from either alcohol or drugs also may suffer from another co-occurring disorder.

The treatment methods for those dealing with an addiction and a physical or mental health issue, are much more readily available than the treatment options that may have been present in times past. As the rate of addiction steadily rises with each year, the methods to combat the many aspects of this disease have been worked and re-worked in order to offer the freedom of a life based in recovery for those who may be dual diagnosed and suffering from a co-occurring disorder. Dual diagnosis, in regards to an addiction, is when someone who is addicted to a substance also has a co-occurring disorder. This can be a physical disorder or a mental disorder that is occurring along with an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

Michael’s House is a recognized Drug Treatment Center for individuals that may be suffering from an alcohol or drug addiction as well as a co-occurring condition. They offer both drug rehab and alcohol rehab through their two treatment facilities; The Treatment center for Men and The Residential Retreat, both located in Palm Springs, California.

The Treatment Center for Men was developed 18 years ago in order to address the specific needs of men in the early stages of recovery. The program is specialized to meet each person’s specific needs and also offers an extended care program to those that may require more time to adjust to their new life in recovery.

The Residential Retreat is an in-patient treatment facility for both men and women is based on the Foundations Model of Addiction Treatment, that incorporates treatment to focuses on individuals with co-occurring disorders.

Today, individuals who may be suffering with an addiction and a co-occurring disorder have more options available to them in relation to addiction treatment that focuses on dual-diagnosis. I know that at the time when I finally sought help for my addiction I was very unaware of the effects that my mental illness had in regards to my own process of recovery.Addiction is not a hopeless state of being that one can never find freedom from. Help is available to those that seek the guidance and support that is necessary for treatment.

I know where I come from; those dark days are ones that still linger in my mind as the reality of what my life had become as a result of my own addiction. But I also have enough hope within me to know that any one that suffers from an addiction can find help, relief and freedom…but only if they choose to.

Recovery from an addiction is a choice……choose wisely.

I know that the things I may have done while I was active are in no way shape or form a reflection of who I am today, but yet I am realistic enough to understand that things I have done…

I will always be judged by.

A piece of my past that has the capacity to allow someone to form an opinion of me based upon who I have been and not who I now am….it sucks.

But it’s mine, I can’t change what I did.
I can never erased the event.
I can never say I didn’t do it.

Because I did…and it’s mine.
But I changed….I know I have.

The way that I live on a daily basis is living proof of the power of change that is available for those who make a conscious decision to be more then the limits of who they have been. Whatever I have done, whatever I continue to do, will always have the capacity to be diminished by the actions of my active addiction.

So what can I do, how do I accept this and continue to move forward?

Step by step…fully and honestly.

I did what I did.
It harmed others.
It harmed me.

And it changed the course of my life onto this path of self-discovery I now travel. It has allowed me to not judge others so harshly for the wrongs they may commit, because I know that I do not wish to be condemned by my past, although at times I will

It keeps me on my toes and allows me to never forget the power I have within me to be a destructive force and also allows me the opportunity to choose to be more then the limits that some may wish to keep me in.

Because I know of the capacity to change the reflection of my past.

I often wonder if the day will ever come in which the reflection of who I used to be, will no longer have the power to taint my present day with the actions of my past. Will that freedom ever be something I will have or will this always be a part of my past that will always re-appear?

I want to believe that in this life I will one day have the opportunity to re-define this aspect of my life, like I have done with so many other areas; but am unsure how this can or will ever occur. I know that my willingness to be more that a low-down junkie has allowed me to discover the truth that I am more then that simple label….

And more then words could ever have the capacity to define fully.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

Growing up to become a hopeless junkie, was not part of the picture.

I know that I can’t change anything that occurred along the journey of my life that led me down the path of self-destruction and into the cesspool of addiction. But I can share of my journey back to life and the hope that is available to those that suffer from an addiction to alcohol or drugs.

An addiction to alcohol or drugs is oftentimes misunderstood as merely a physical problem, by both the person addicted as well as friends and family of the person addicted. But through my own personal challenges in finding freedom from my own addiction, I have come to understand that a chemical dependency of any kind goes much further then the very obvious physical aspects.

People like myself that face an addiction today are more fortunate then those of the past. As the rate of addiction had increased throughout the years, the treatment methods have also broadened to elaborate on new and better ways to address this problem.

The Canyon a California drug rehab, is licensed residential chemical dependency treatment facility that specializes in treating substance abuse as well as the co-occurring mental health conditions that more often than not, affect a person with an addiction of any kind.

Based on the Foundations dual diagnosis addiction treatment model, they offer treatment, not only for the chemical dependency; but also integrate treatment to help recognize the other mental health aspects that exist along with the addiction. Individualized treatment programs are designed for each person, allowing for the road to recovery to be tailored made to each persons unique experience in the process of recovery.

A dual diagnosis is a condition when a person is affected by both a chemical dependency and an emotional/psychiatric disorder or illness. For those with a dual diagnosis, treatment should address both conditions equally in order to ensure recovery from both.

Treatment focuses on the mental, spiritual and physical well-being of each person, through group/individual therapy, healthy food and exercise programs, relapse prevention programs and after care support and management.

The concept behind The Canyon’s treatment program…

“…was to provide the best clinical practices for integrative treatment of co-occurring disorders and blending those treatment practices with the best of a holistic mind, body and spirit approach.”

I have and always will be a strong advocate of drug treatment and alcohol treatment, for I know through my own personal experience that at the end of my road I needed the help of qualified professionals in order to begin my journey into the process of recovery.

Recognizing drug addiction is often the biggest challenge that a person with an addiction can face. To accept the full ramifications of a drug or alcohol problem is often the hardest part of an addiction. For myself I had to become fully and completely aware that if I continued the way that I was going, I would die.

My road to recovery began with the admission that I needed help.

It became glaringly obvious that what I knew about living life amounted to nothing more then the sad pathetic reality of my life at that time. When I understood that I was defeated, I became willing to ask or help. It is so important to understand that there is help available, that an addiction of any kind is not a hopeless state in which one has to endure like a life sentence.

Hope is available to those that seek it’s rewards…and freedom is that reward.

Every now and then something triggers a moment in time, a feeling of the past, a sense of wonder of all that is around me.

This weekend Tim and I will be hosting an all day event with some of our closest friends, that are all willing participants in the process of change. I feel so fortunate that I get to watch people like myself that have struggled in the worst of struggles and who have been experts at destroying their lives, take upon the opportunity to actively rework all aspects of themselves in order to become more then the limits of their haunted pasts.

It’s an amazing thing to see people come back to life.

Others have had the experience of watching me change and grow from the self-centered, lying, stealing, junkie I was, into the woman I am today; who resembles little or nothing of who I had allowed myself to become through my active addiction.

As I continue to become more; on this path of self-discovery I find fellow travelers in this journey called life.

Most of this week has been consumed with getting the menu in order, straightening up and just doing all the little things in preparation for the crowd that will be attending on Saturday. Monday has quickly turned into Thursday and there is still much to be done.

Yesterday, I worked in my garden weeding. I paused to take a moment to look upon the rainbow of colors it has grown into; feeling a sense of accomplishment for the beauty that emerged from the proper care of love, sunshine and water. Stepping back, I watched as the painted blue of the afternoon sky swirled into the lavender twilight as the sun began to sink it’s tired self into the shadowy horizon and night fell down upon the world.

As day met night they mingled for a moment before saying goodbye.

I looked above, to watch the stars appear one by one as they prepared themselves for their waltz across the universe. I couldn’t help losing myself to the moment as I watched the darkness come alive. I stood on my front lawn staring down the length of my street, mesmerized by the flickers of light all around me as the fireflies began their evening dance in the hot humid shadows of the night.

I became lost for a moment in time, transported back to this time last year when a single lonely light of a firefly in the darkness of the morning helped me to remember that it was safe to believe again; that my hopes and dreams were mine, and that above all else that anything was possible, once I made the decision it was.

As I looked all around me again I understood that there would be more to be revealed, more to be experienced and more to learn as I continued down the path I was on.

Flickers of light.
Moments in time.
Memories of life.

Of who I have been, who I have become and who I am becoming as I allow this life to unfold before me in a spectacular display of the love and laughter that each moment bursts with. Hundreds of glowing green embers floating around me, appearing then reappearing; as my past self met my future self in the moments between each flicker.

A safe and comforting feeling that can only be experienced in the moments of awe that danced in the spaces of life all around me.

Nudging me.
Guiding me.
Showing me.

The path of flickering light that would lead me on this journey home to who I am becoming.

________________________________________________________

If you liked this post you may also enjoy…

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Spiritual Muscle
~Another Look
~The End of My World

There are days much like today when I look around at the life I live and wonder how I ended up living the exact life I said I wanted to live.

Is it all just a coincidence?
Was it just the way that my life was to unfold anyway?
Or was it more.

I believe it was more then any of those things.

What began as a huge leap of faith across the canyon of my mind, transformed all the aspects of my life in every possible way allowing me to start believing in the magic of life once again. At the beginning of the experiment…

I was contemplating suicide.
I was jobless.
I had no money to feed myself.
I had no type of social life.
I had to leave my home within 30 days or less.
I felt powerless in the grand scheme of all things.

These things were nothing that I wanted my life to be, I wanted more; but I had no idea how to get out of the cycles of thinking and behaviors that kept me trapped within them. In the midst of all the outer chaos of my life at the time, something happened that made me start to fight for the last pieces of myself that told me life was more then the events and circumstances of the present moment.

It wasn’t anything spectacular.
There was no parting of the clouds above.

It was more of a gentle nudge from within that let me know that the equation for life that I had been desperately trying to live by, would never, ever, ever offer me the results I believed they would. I woke up one morning seeing my life for exactly what it was and decided that if my life was going to change…

It was all on me…I had to change in order for my life to change.

I can see now that everything that was happening and the way that it was happening was all occurring for one reason and one reason only. It was an opportunity for me to change the dynamics of my life; I had to take full responsibility for myself and for the way that my life would be from that moment on.

I had no understanding of what would happen as a result of me diving within myself to re-wire the way that I thought and felt, but I did know that if they way that I believed changed then eventually the way thay I experienced the world around me would change along with the new beliefs.

I traveled into my past, present and future to re-define the way that I felt about events, circumstances and situations. I had to, or I would never free myself from the external prison they had become. It seemed like each day or the experiment revealed something new to me and allowed me to re-examine aspects of my life that had wounded me spiritually; and to find a lesson of growth and gratitude for what had already occurred what was occurring and for what would occur.

As the way that I thought and felt about my life changed….everything around me began to change as well.

Throughout the journey there was a lot of things that came up.

Painful stuff.
Scary stuff.
Exhilarating stuff.
And just stuff.

There were moments I felt like giving up, finding another job, settling back in the limits of the life that I knew…but something wouldn’t let me. Throughout the experiment, even in the greatest moments of uncertainty, something within me kept nudging me forward, even when I felt I didn’t have the strength to take another step.

That something was hope.
That something was my inner spirit.
That something was me.

I have allowed who I was at the core of my being to be shoved, shaped and molded into someone I thought I should be, never for a moment realizing it was never who I was meant to be. I believe we all have those aspects of ourselves with us at all times. Some of us, like myself struggle with allowing this part of ourselves to shine forth, while there are others who willing embrace this aspect of themselves.

I never embraced who I was.
I didn’t know I could.

And then one day, it was time for me to be who I was…and I embraced the challenge head on.

At the beginning of the experiment I knew what I didn’t want from life…

I didn’t want to trade my time for a job that would never adequately be able to compensate me for the actual value of time.
I didn’t want to miss out on my family anymore.
I didn’t want my life to be nothing more then work, sleep, work, sleep.
I didn’t want struggle and sacrifice to taint another moment of my life.

I knew what I didn’t want, because it was all around me and I was miserable. So I had to start dreaming and thinking about what I did want. Initially to venture forth into what I did want was a challenge; allowing myself to begin thinking about what I did want presented me with the many roadblocks in my thinking that had kept me from wanting anything more for a long time.

I had to dream about what I wanted.
I had to think about what I wanted.
I had to understand anything I wanted was possible.

I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in the obvious distraction of “how” I would begin to experience and receive the life I wanted, I had to just see it as if it I was already having and living the life that I wanted. The “how” of the equation would only serve to lead me back to the limited thinking that had produced the results of the live I had already lived.

I wanted to live in my own home.
i wanted a beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I wanted to fall in love with someone who who loved me as much as I loved them.
I wanted to write for a living.
I wanted to help other people.

I just wanted to be happy.

It’s just a little over a year since the experiment began and this is the very life I am in living. Halfway through the experiment I made the decision to move back to Long island to stay with my parents for a little while….a month or two later I crossed paths with the man I am now madly in love with; and who loves me just as much.

I live with him in a beautiful home with my rainbow garden filled with flowers.
I help people like myself on a daily basis and let others know that the life I have is the life they can have if they choose to have it.
I have a wonderful network of friends and family that bursts the seams of my social calender.
I write for a living on my own website as well as several others and am in the process of finishing my first book.
I have not traded a moment of my time behind a desk working for someone else.
I have a beautiful magical life.
I am happy.

I started my experiment because I wanted to know if anything was truly possible and what I discovered on that journey was simply…the miracle of this life.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage