I have been a smoker for close to twenty years, I started when I was 15 years old never comprehending that it would be a habit that I would carry with me from that time forward. I have made attempts to stop in the past, but could never seem to get past the first day without muttering the famous words of an addict “fuck it.”
But I never give up…I had to go to ten different detox’s before I stopped shooting heroin.
Each failed attempt only led me closer to the success I would eventually find if I kept seeking it out. I am coming up to the three year mark of when I made the decision to stop using any and all mind or mood altering substances. It is a time of year that allows me to reflect upon my journey in recovery to see clearly how far I have really come in relation to changing who I have been.
I spent the past three years diving within myself in order to discover the many new possibilities that life offers and breaking through the many distorted perceptions that created the limitations I lived within for so long. It seems to me that the time has come to take all that I have learned and applied to my life thus far and start using it to delve deeper into some of the aspects of myself that still seem very resistant to changing.
One is my smoking habit….the other is my eating habits.
I decided to quit everything Monday….
Food.
Caffeine.
Cigarettes.
I have been fasting since Monday, beginning each day with a salt water flush to help rid my body of toxins that have been accumulating through the years. Who knew that by incorporating a fast in my attempts to stop smoking would be the missing key.
The desire to eat something far outweighs the insanity of wanting to smoke.
For the first time in any of my failed attempts to quit smoking I have found a way that is making the whole process dare I say “easy”. I know that it is only day three and there is a long ways to go, but I feel confident that getting past the three day hump is allowing me a better chance at success.
I do at moments find myself in the wrath of a nicotine fit…but still have enough inner control to just not pick up the first one.
At the end of my days of active addiction, my life was a mess. I had grown from a little girl filled with hopes and dreams into a hopeless junkie. My only purpose at the time was to continue to feed the insatiable appetite of my addiction that demanded to be fed.
Today is simply one of those days that pulls from the past, a moment in time of who I used to be. I often wonder if enough time will ever pass in which I feel completely and totally safe from the effects of the actions I displayed throughout my active addiction.
