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The Canyon

I remember when I was a little girl and the dreams of the life I would live as an adult were colorful brush strokes painted in a rainbow display upon a world without limits, in which I would become whoever and whatever I wanted to be.

Growing up to become a hopeless junkie, was not part of the picture.

I know that I can’t change anything that occurred along the journey of my life that led me down the path of self-destruction and into the cesspool of addiction. But I can share of my journey back to life and the hope that is available to those that suffer from an addiction to alcohol or drugs.

An addiction to alcohol or drugs is oftentimes misunderstood as merely a physical problem, by both the person addicted as well as friends and family of the person addicted. But through my own personal challenges in finding freedom from my own addiction, I have come to understand that a chemical dependency of any kind goes much further then the very obvious physical aspects.

People like myself that face an addiction today are more fortunate then those of the past. As the rate of addiction had increased throughout the years, the treatment methods have also broadened to elaborate on new and better ways to address this problem.

The Canyon a California drug rehab, is licensed residential chemical dependency treatment facility that specializes in treating substance abuse as well as the co-occurring mental health conditions that more often than not, affect a person with an addiction of any kind.

Based on the Foundations dual diagnosis addiction treatment model, they offer treatment, not only for the chemical dependency; but also integrate treatment to help recognize the other mental health aspects that exist along with the addiction. Individualized treatment programs are designed for each person, allowing for the road to recovery to be tailored made to each persons unique experience in the process of recovery.

A dual diagnosis is a condition when a person is affected by both a chemical dependency and an emotional/psychiatric disorder or illness. For those with a dual diagnosis, treatment should address both conditions equally in order to ensure recovery from both.

Treatment focuses on the mental, spiritual and physical well-being of each person, through group/individual therapy, healthy food and exercise programs, relapse prevention programs and after care support and management.

The concept behind The Canyon’s treatment program…

“…was to provide the best clinical practices for integrative treatment of co-occurring disorders and blending those treatment practices with the best of a holistic mind, body and spirit approach.”

I have and always will be a strong advocate of drug treatment and alcohol treatment, for I know through my own personal experience that at the end of my road I needed the help of qualified professionals in order to begin my journey into the process of recovery.

Recognizing drug addiction is often the biggest challenge that a person with an addiction can face. To accept the full ramifications of a drug or alcohol problem is often the hardest part of an addiction. For myself I had to become fully and completely aware that if I continued the way that I was going, I would die.

My road to recovery began with the admission that I needed help.

It became glaringly obvious that what I knew about living life amounted to nothing more then the sad pathetic reality of my life at that time. When I understood that I was defeated, I became willing to ask or help. It is so important to understand that there is help available, that an addiction of any kind is not a hopeless state in which one has to endure like a life sentence.

Hope is available to those that seek it’s rewards…and freedom is that reward.

Lighting the path.

My mind is a storehouse for events of the past; of memories that could be considered both good and bad. I do my best on a daily basis to allow the good to overflow, but when the bad tends to surface I also take a moment to pull what positive aspects I can from it.

Every now and then something triggers a moment in time, a feeling of the past, a sense of wonder of all that is around me.

This weekend Tim and I will be hosting an all day event with some of our closest friends, that are all willing participants in the process of change. I feel so fortunate that I get to watch people like myself that have struggled in the worst of struggles and who have been experts at destroying their lives, take upon the opportunity to actively rework all aspects of themselves in order to become more then the limits of their haunted pasts.

It’s an amazing thing to see people come back to life.

Others have had the experience of watching me change and grow from the self-centered, lying, stealing, junkie I was, into the woman I am today; who resembles little or nothing of who I had allowed myself to become through my active addiction.

As I continue to become more; on this path of self-discovery I find fellow travelers in this journey called life.

Most of this week has been consumed with getting the menu in order, straightening up and just doing all the little things in preparation for the crowd that will be attending on Saturday. Monday has quickly turned into Thursday and there is still much to be done.

Yesterday, I worked in my garden weeding. I paused to take a moment to look upon the rainbow of colors it has grown into; feeling a sense of accomplishment for the beauty that emerged from the proper care of love, sunshine and water. Stepping back, I watched as the painted blue of the afternoon sky swirled into the lavender twilight as the sun began to sink it’s tired self into the shadowy horizon and night fell down upon the world.

As day met night they mingled for a moment before saying goodbye.

I looked above, to watch the stars appear one by one as they prepared themselves for their waltz across the universe. I couldn’t help losing myself to the moment as I watched the darkness come alive. I stood on my front lawn staring down the length of my street, mesmerized by the flickers of light all around me as the fireflies began their evening dance in the hot humid shadows of the night.

I became lost for a moment in time, transported back to this time last year when a single lonely light of a firefly in the darkness of the morning helped me to remember that it was safe to believe again; that my hopes and dreams were mine, and that above all else that anything was possible, once I made the decision it was.

As I looked all around me again I understood that there would be more to be revealed, more to be experienced and more to learn as I continued down the path I was on.

Flickers of light.
Moments in time.
Memories of life.

Of who I have been, who I have become and who I am becoming as I allow this life to unfold before me in a spectacular display of the love and laughter that each moment bursts with. Hundreds of glowing green embers floating around me, appearing then reappearing; as my past self met my future self in the moments between each flicker.

A safe and comforting feeling that can only be experienced in the moments of awe that danced in the spaces of life all around me.

Nudging me.
Guiding me.
Showing me.

The path of flickering light that would lead me on this journey home to who I am becoming.

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If you liked this post you may also enjoy…

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Spiritual Muscle
~Another Look
~The End of My World

The Miracle

What began as a 30 day experiment I started last June 24, 2007, turned out to be the first steps onto a path that would lead me in changing my life in every possible way…for the better.

There are days much like today when I look around at the life I live and wonder how I ended up living the exact life I said I wanted to live.

Is it all just a coincidence?
Was it just the way that my life was to unfold anyway?
Or was it more.

I believe it was more then any of those things.

What began as a huge leap of faith across the canyon of my mind, transformed all the aspects of my life in every possible way allowing me to start believing in the magic of life once again. At the beginning of the experiment…

I was contemplating suicide.
I was jobless.
I had no money to feed myself.
I had no type of social life.
I had to leave my home within 30 days or less.
I felt powerless in the grand scheme of all things.

These things were nothing that I wanted my life to be, I wanted more; but I had no idea how to get out of the cycles of thinking and behaviors that kept me trapped within them. In the midst of all the outer chaos of my life at the time, something happened that made me start to fight for the last pieces of myself that told me life was more then the events and circumstances of the present moment.

It wasn’t anything spectacular.
There was no parting of the clouds above.

It was more of a gentle nudge from within that let me know that the equation for life that I had been desperately trying to live by, would never, ever, ever offer me the results I believed they would. I woke up one morning seeing my life for exactly what it was and decided that if my life was going to change…

It was all on me…I had to change in order for my life to change.

I can see now that everything that was happening and the way that it was happening was all occurring for one reason and one reason only. It was an opportunity for me to change the dynamics of my life; I had to take full responsibility for myself and for the way that my life would be from that moment on.

I had no understanding of what would happen as a result of me diving within myself to re-wire the way that I thought and felt, but I did know that if they way that I believed changed then eventually the way thay I experienced the world around me would change along with the new beliefs.

I traveled into my past, present and future to re-define the way that I felt about events, circumstances and situations. I had to, or I would never free myself from the external prison they had become. It seemed like each day or the experiment revealed something new to me and allowed me to re-examine aspects of my life that had wounded me spiritually; and to find a lesson of growth and gratitude for what had already occurred what was occurring and for what would occur.

As the way that I thought and felt about my life changed….everything around me began to change as well.

Throughout the journey there was a lot of things that came up.

Painful stuff.
Scary stuff.
Exhilarating stuff.
And just stuff.

There were moments I felt like giving up, finding another job, settling back in the limits of the life that I knew…but something wouldn’t let me. Throughout the experiment, even in the greatest moments of uncertainty, something within me kept nudging me forward, even when I felt I didn’t have the strength to take another step.

That something was hope.
That something was my inner spirit.
That something was me.

I have allowed who I was at the core of my being to be shoved, shaped and molded into someone I thought I should be, never for a moment realizing it was never who I was meant to be. I believe we all have those aspects of ourselves with us at all times. Some of us, like myself struggle with allowing this part of ourselves to shine forth, while there are others who willing embrace this aspect of themselves.

I never embraced who I was.
I didn’t know I could.

And then one day, it was time for me to be who I was…and I embraced the challenge head on.

At the beginning of the experiment I knew what I didn’t want from life…

I didn’t want to trade my time for a job that would never adequately be able to compensate me for the actual value of time.
I didn’t want to miss out on my family anymore.
I didn’t want my life to be nothing more then work, sleep, work, sleep.
I didn’t want struggle and sacrifice to taint another moment of my life.

I knew what I didn’t want, because it was all around me and I was miserable. So I had to start dreaming and thinking about what I did want. Initially to venture forth into what I did want was a challenge; allowing myself to begin thinking about what I did want presented me with the many roadblocks in my thinking that had kept me from wanting anything more for a long time.

I had to dream about what I wanted.
I had to think about what I wanted.
I had to understand anything I wanted was possible.

I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in the obvious distraction of “how” I would begin to experience and receive the life I wanted, I had to just see it as if it I was already having and living the life that I wanted. The “how” of the equation would only serve to lead me back to the limited thinking that had produced the results of the live I had already lived.

I wanted to live in my own home.
i wanted a beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I wanted to fall in love with someone who who loved me as much as I loved them.
I wanted to write for a living.
I wanted to help other people.

I just wanted to be happy.

It’s just a little over a year since the experiment began and this is the very life I am in living. Halfway through the experiment I made the decision to move back to Long island to stay with my parents for a little while….a month or two later I crossed paths with the man I am now madly in love with; and who loves me just as much.

I live with him in a beautiful home with my rainbow garden filled with flowers.
I help people like myself on a daily basis and let others know that the life I have is the life they can have if they choose to have it.
I have a wonderful network of friends and family that bursts the seams of my social calender.
I write for a living on my own website as well as several others and am in the process of finishing my first book.
I have not traded a moment of my time behind a desk working for someone else.
I have a beautiful magical life.
I am happy.

I started my experiment because I wanted to know if anything was truly possible and what I discovered on that journey was simply…the miracle of this life.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage


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